I cannot see
past today,
past right now.
Later is an uncertainty.
Tomorrow, a mystery.
The future, doubts and possibilities.
I walk blind.
I cannot see
past today,
past right now.
Later is an uncertainty.
Tomorrow, a mystery.
The future, doubts and possibilities.
I walk blind.
In less than 28 hours (as of this post) it’ll be time to leave for Beijing. There’s a lot that has been happening, especially losing net so close to my departing (deprived of the ability to blog) and my dad arriving home just in time (from Xiamen) to see me leave for Beijing. Been feeling a lot of emotions, like excitement, confusion, fear and apprehension. Part of me wants to back out this very minute, to bow to fear and decide that I just don’t want to go. I could stay here in the Philippines, just rest, maybe find some work or go work for the family business in the province. Another part of me just wants to leave, to escape, to reach out to the unknown. This part of me that needs to seek, to find, to touch, to feel and to experience, all the new things that China will surely bring.
It is very confusing really, these two opposing emotions. It doesn’t help that a lot of things seem to be warning me against going, like my getting coughs, colds and a sore throat days hours before I leave. Or my dog(s) dying situation. And now, this thing about the Hong Kong tourist bus siege that’s getting the whole China and Philippines in an uproar. All these signs, are not really helping at all. I’m trying to stay positive, to think about the possibilities, but a part of me doubts myself and my ability to learn Mandarin. I want to, but I am limited – that’s what my heart is saying. I am only so much.
I really want to get this over with. This whole flying out, landing, preparations, adjusting to the environment….it’s all so overwhelming. At least, one part of me that is really glad, is the part that knows I’ll have friends with me to endure these first few weeks with. If I was in China alone, I don’t think my body could take it. Also glad to have discovered a few other High School friends going to Beijing, albeit they’ll be heading to different schools (though they are in the same vicinity as mine).
Still, there is comfort in knowing that I am not alone.
Here’s to this next big adventure. This might be my last post before I leave for Beijing, as the net has been a little flaky for the last few days and things could happen and I can lose my net tomorrow. This could also be my last post in a while, until I find a way to access wordpress from within the Great Firewall.
Cheers to my readers (if I have any out there XD) or those who happen upon my blog.
Below is a poem I wrote a few days ago. It’s just a compilation of some feelings/emotions/thoughts that have been going through my mind recently.
Enjoy!
Surge
Slower
Faster
Falling,
ever closer, ever deeper,
ever more.
breathless
Surging
within touch,
beyond reach,
without words.
Unexplainable,
unimaginable.
Real
but merely fiction.
Struggling to escape
it pours into me
and out of me.
Filling me,
emptying me,
surrounding me,
shadowing me,
draining me.
I cannnot think,
but I can write.
I can feel the words
at my fingertips,
in my head, in my mind, on my lips.
Surge of emotions and thoughts,
aligned but confused,
organized but distraught.
Too much, too little, too late.
LESS than 10 days left till the Beijing trip. Can you smell the excitement in the air?! I can! I definitely can!
Still, with less than 10 days left, having finished practically all that I need to do, gives me more time to worry about other things. Sure I’m practically done with packing, but I’m worried that what I have won’t be enough. It’s easy enough to tell yourself that Beijing has lots of places you can have a shopping spree in, but the other part of me that has money concern just jumps in. The other day as I was having dinner with a few friends, yes one of many lunches/dinners out before leaving, we passed by Zara and goodness to gracious it was one of the most difficult situations (recently) that I’ve been in. Zara was just brimming with autumn/winter clothes that shouted, “Buy me Christa, this is your style!” And to make matters even worse, my friend Meggy kept telling me that the styles I was picking out literally screamed “Christa” and “Winter”. Had to tell myself that Zara Beijing would keep me company. And with that sentence ending, yes, I google-maped Zara Beijing and found one near my university. Just great….more temptation.
Aside from that, worries about a lot of other things have been popping out. That whole dorm versus flat issue is one. And then some other things like worrying about our initial arrival in Beijing, worries about the bank and paying for the tuition and living expenses among other things. Sure, independent living is awesome, and being in a new environment is definitely thrilling, but it also has a lot of responsibility shackled along with it. It’s not a money-spending everyday-shopping hoo-hah. I’m there for educational purposes, and this independence that comes along with this opportunity is also me showing my parents that I can be a responsible adult who can handle money properly, take care of herself, and do well in her studies and in her goal to improve her Mandarin.
Last minute jitters? Definitely! Last minute leaving-my-parents-and-going-off-on-my-own-Philosophical-insights? definitely!
I’m shaking with excitement and fear.
Also, we’ve not yet left the shores of the Pearl of the Orient, and already conflict has begun to arise between friends. I guess, it’s really a part of growing up.
With less than 3 weeks left before I leave, the excitement of leaving is so obviously written all over my countdown tweets and my livejournal entries. About a week ago, my to-do list still had a lot of things that needed to be covered. But now, with a lot more things done that I can cross off, it seems to me that there isn’t much left to do. Practically all document-related tasks are done with as I’ve already applied for my visa at the Chinese Embassy, and I’ve already gotten it back. My dentist check-up is also done, though I can’t say that I enjoyed the visit (as I really detest going to the doctor, the dentist, and the dermatologist). A few other shopping things are almost complete as my mom has already purchased some cold medicine and multivitamins for me to take.
For tomorrow, I have something planned out at the salon. And over the next days, it’ll be about completing the list so nothing gets crammed or forgotten, as well as hanging out with friends whom I won’t be seeing over the next few months. I hope everything works out for the better as my moods have been either really good or really bad. This, I imagine, is just another calm before the storm as I’m expecting my first few days in Beijing to be stress-filled with necessary procedures and applications that need to be completed before the enrollment, after enrollment, and so on and so forth. Independence, it’s really something you have to work at.
Can’t wait! But honestly really anxious.