从我最后的日志，我有一个很难过的日志，我奶奶（妈妈的妈妈）去世了。我在厦门家人的葬礼听过这个消息。我给妈妈打的电话，以后她告诉我奶奶就没有了。我突然哭，哭那么多，家人都来问我发生怎么样。“我奶奶去世了，她去世了！” 那天我快去买飞机票，那天离开厦门到马尼拉。
看发生的事，我还觉得全部是假装的。我最后看奶奶的时候，她还是身体健康还是开心。上个月我听过她有癌症所以我用skype跟她聊天儿，但她的情况没那么严重。现在我还想如果我就给她打电话，她就叫我“my dresden doll”然后跟我说她现在怎么样，菲律宾的政府怎么样，妈妈爸爸怎么样，等等。看她的照片，我还觉得，这个都是开玩笑吧。这是一个梦想，快起床绮思！
我的表哥的未婚夫，我的表兄弟姐妹和我。
在葬礼，家人都准备一个电视，然后让别人看奶奶从宝贝到最近的照片。妹妹也在家里找很多的照片。我们兄弟妹有很多的跟奶奶宝贝照片。
奶奶和宝贝的我
我回厦门了但我还问自己，过去的日子是真实吗？我下个月在圣诞节打算回国但我明白她不在了。现在呢我想一想，过去的几个年，我没有珍视她吗，尤其这最后的2年半。那个时间就没有了。奶奶，你给我的东西是我们一起的回忆、从宝贝到最近的礼物、很多的照片、还有你教我的很多事。
我好想你了。一个星期过了。奶奶，你为什么还没进入我的梦里？
Not long after my last blog entry, my (maternal) grandmother was suddenly taken away from me. I heard the news while attending the funeral of a relative here in China. My mother, who I was talking to on the phone, told me the news. I broke down in front of my relatives who rushed to my side asking what happened. That same afternoon, I was able to buy a ticket flying out that evening, from Xiamen to Manila.
Looking back on what happened those few days I was in Manila, part of me feels like everything was a blur. I remember it all yet I feel that I wasn’t really there, and that it wasn’t really happening. My grandmother, who to me was so alive and well the last time I had seen her face-to-face, who was diagnosed with cancer just a few weeks ago and whom I was talking to via skype, was now gone. Until now, part of me cannot fully accept her passing, and it feels like a dream that I will soon wake up from. Looking at pictures and remembering the sound of her voice or the way she smiled makes it even more unrealistic, as if someone’s playing a joke on me.
Mom and me beside my grandmother’s coffin
During the wake, my cousins had set up a screen showing pictures of my lola from her time as a child until recently. My younger sister dug through some pictures we had from the pre-digital camera days and found a lot of our baby shots with her.
Me with my lola and lolo (grandmother and grandfather)
Now, I’m back in Xiamen and I can’t help but ask myself, did it all really happen? I know it did, but the hope of seeing my grandmother when I go home for Christmas next month when I know she won’t be there, is gone. I can’t help but ask myself if I didn’t value her these last few years, especially the last 2 and a half years that I’ve been living aboad and out-of-town. Those are days that I can never get back. All I have left are the pictures we had together, all the things she had given me from when I was a baby until now, the memories, and the things she has shared and taught me over the years.
It’s winter now, and somehow, the days feel so much colder. Thinking about how much I miss her, I look back and notice how much warmth has now been taken from me. My lola was a big part of my life, and now she’s moved on to a better place. I can only hope that someday, we will see each other again, and that where she is now, she is able to watch over me.
